Think Tank

I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I can’t help but feel really sad about what has happened– and it only made me feel (and remember) what it was like to lose someone you love… death of a close friend… a relationship that has gone cold…. a friendship that’s never been there in the first place.

I think, this sad song from Greenday made me even think more:

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

Well, life always goes on.  We rely on the people around us– for strength and love and purpose. Those who continue to be on your side when you need them most– those are the ones who will be with you til the end.

Sometimes I wonder: what if, I’m really really sick and I don’t know it. You know how it sometimes is in the movies… a perfectly healthy person suddenly feels dizzy or started experiencing really painful headaches only to discover that he’s actually ill. Like AIDS or cancer.

It scares me sometimes. I have been experiencing headaches since yesterday and sleep didn’t help it. I took a painkiller while I was still in the office and another one after a few hours because it didn’t let up. When I woke up today, I still feel like shit.

Maybe because I didn’t get to sleep too well last night. It didn’t help too, that a friend told me that he was coming over and I kept waiting for him to arrive– until it was already around 3am and he still was somewhere in Makati shooting some commercial for a client. And so I only had a few hours of interrupted sleep.

I still can’t get used to this new schedule that was given to me: I was supposed to come in at 9am and go home at 6pm. Months of waking up at 4am and ever since Tuesday, I am not used to going to work with the full blast of the sun on my face. Plus, the number of people who are on the streets at this time is far too many that it confuses me to be outside and seeing all these people. Sigh. This will take a lot of getting used to.

Oooh, I forgot my 4th installment of my Ripple Effect. Haha. 57 people remained after some were transferred to cable. Then, last week, our manager asked for another set of volunteers for another line of business, which is DSL. They were going to get 30 more people and 3 supervisors. He mentioned that it will be a pilot team, so it was exciting to think or to do something new. Like many others, I volunteered. A lot followed too– I encouraged my long-time friends to go for it, so that they can do something really new.

Kerstin, Rhea, Jeng, Marose, Pryor and a lot of other close friends were transferred. I didn’t make the cut, since the management prefer ’senior’ supervisors to man the team. It was sad to think about friends being transferred– when everyday, you look forward to coming in to work, looking forward to hanging out and talking and gossiping with your friends.

It’s day 2 and I can feel their absence. Usually, the people in the AM shift consist mostly of more than 20 people. Now you can actually hear that theme from cowboy movies and you can actually see tumbleweeds being blown by the wind. Ghost town, I told them. Today, there are only 5 people here. How sad.

But then again, I can’t ‘worry my life away’, right? So I look forward to whatever it is that’s going to happen the next few weeks. I am hopeful that I’ll be mentally and emotionally ready by then.

Sigh.

I still am feeling crappy. Headaches and cramps all in one day. And it’s frigging cold out here.

You can’t blame me for being such a bitch the past few days:

1. Too much stress to take at work, with all the move to Cable and ISQM, and with the other supe not being around.

2. Too much pain– a friend’s death is not something that you can get over soon.

3. Too much anxiety for not getting the comfort I need from my family. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family — but sometimes, they don’t ask about what’s happening in my life.

I’m grateful though– I would like to get the comfort from the thought that they will always be there for me.

Yep. Even if I become an old maid. Hahaha.

I never thought that this will ever happen to me.

It’s been almost a week now since I last saw Daniel. Last time the group

were together, I remember telling him that everytime I hear that song by

South Border, Rainbow, it reminded me of him. I can practically hear him

singing it the way he sang it back when we were in Boracay.

I have realized a lot about what kind of life I’ve been living after Daniel

passed. Just when I thought our group was slowly drifting away, all this

happened and Daniel became the ‘glue’ to bind us all again together. We

realized how our friendship meant a lot to each other. It is just sad to think

that all this has to happen for us to realize that.

With CJ, they’re my ‘boys’. They’re the ones who bugs me when I come in

to work so we can eat our usual breakfast. This happens every single day.

The boys would usually order 2-piece chicken, 2 rice and a coke. We often

made fun of Daniel because after CJ gets his order, they would tell him that

they have ran out of chicken. It was one of those days.

After 2 days of sleeplessness, I had to get ready for work. When I came in,

it was much too much to bear. I only had to glance where he used to sit

and it only made me realize more that he’s really gone. I cried for him, for

the life that he left behind, the people he touched in his own little ways. 2

days and it still felt so unreal.

Daniel’s death made us realize a lot of things:

(1) Life’s too short
(2) Live your life like it’s the last
(3) Keep your friends and family close to your heart and always tell them that you love them
(4) Love all the people that you let into your life without having to expect anything in return.
(5) You will draw strength from the relationships that you make — your friends, your co-workers, your family

"Do not let fear overcome your faith."

That’s what I always say to myself when I start feeling lonely, or sad, or anxious. The whole experience taught me this.

Until now, when I think about how I will no longer see him, I feel a tug in my heart and I stop for a moment to pray for his soul.

Taken from Daniel’s phone, Christmas Party at the Shang

We miss you, Daniel. We’ll see you soon!

—————-
Ripple Effect: invisible, yet one of the most powerful energies in the universe.

"People who need people are the luckiest people just about anywhere — and you head up the list of those people-loving types right now. You’re looking to mingle with all different types and get some fresh experiences under your belt — and fortunately for you, the universe has heard your request and is prepared to provide for you in spades. So get ready to greet an extremely fascinating parade of personalities."

I’ll keep my fingers crossed. We’ll see.

The next week:

My friends started planning for a night out to celebrate Kerstin’s birthday. We set in on the last day of July — dinner at Moomba in QC. Everyone was going — Marose, Pryor, Rhea, Jeng, CJ and Daniel.

That day, I planned my day: after my shift: (1) go the mall and check out new books and magazines, (2) then go home to the apartment, (3) relax and watch some DVDs, (3) even get a haircut or a pedicure.

Then meet up with Rhea and Jeng so we can go ride together on the MRT. We can then meet Pryor and Marose at the Quezon Avenue Station.

On that same day, my afternoon was knocked off course because our tools at the office started acting up due to server issues. Because of this, I had to contact some people from our IT department and then, some people in the US. I went home at 630pm, stressed out, tired and irritable because I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do that day.

While on the taxi, I thought: YOU CAN NEVER PLAN YOUR DAY. It was weird for me because I never usually plan my day. What usually happens is that I go through my days as I should and accept whatever it is that will happen. This way, I won’t be expecting too much from myself, from the people around me. But of all days, I planned my day and got disappointed in the process.

And so I got ready to meet up with the guys: I ended up riding the MRT alone and meeting them all at that station. I was feeling irritable and pissed because I was already late. Late and no sleep and stress. Add them all up and you get a bitchy, silent girl with one eyebrow raised.

They told me that Daniel was supposed to fetch us all up, but he wasn’t around yet so we decided to ride a taxi. I even called him up, with a really irritated tone:

"Asan ka na? Puntahan mo na si Kerstin kasi andun na sya sa Moomba, ala syang kasama!"

What a bitch!

And we arrived at the place, Kerstin was there. We all greeted her a Happy Birthday and the place was enough to make us all relax. We had a great time talking about work, old memories and we even took pictures. The boys were late, but the important thing is that they came. It was a long time since all of us were complete — (oops, Marose chose to slept, so she wasn’t able to go). You know how it is when you’re surrounded with the friends you love most? Yup. Warm and fuzzy.

Around 1am, Daniel said that he had to go to a cousin’s birthday party and that he had to go. We said that we might be going to Decades after Moomba and he said that he’ll try to meet us there. We said our byes and he was in a hurry to go.

Kerstin went home as well because she had to go to work.

Jeng, Rhea, CJ and Me went to Decades at Roces Ave., QC.

After we went there, the group broke up and we girls went to eat something at Next Door in Makati Ave. That was around 4am. Funny, I remember joking about the metal tables there, saying that it looked much like the tables in morgues in CSI. We all laughed.

And so we went home exhausted. I was so tired but my mind refused to sleep. I didn’t know why.

For the past 3 weeks, I have been feeling anxious. News and other surprises and circumstances kept happening that the thought of not knowing what’s going to happen next freaks me out big time.

Last month, me and some friends were just planning on some out of town trip so we can celebrate their birthdays (and to destress!) and it did not push through anymore. We cannot schedule it properly because we need to consider their shifts, or the need for a car to get to the destination only made it scrap the idea.

Then, word spread out that management wanted to downsize our team. ESupport being the very first team to be established under our account, it was the kind of news that will make you feel fretful, troubled and uneasy. Just the thought of being away from the best friends that you made throughout all those (three) years was enough to make you sad. Then the thought of who will be transferred and who will be staying? When will they be getting the people? What will happen next?

It was enough to keep us all on our toes and we silently prayed that no one will be picked. Some even wanted to think that they won’t be able to handle all the stress that’s waiting for them. Probably the reason why people weren’t volunteering.

It’s funny how people react to change. Really, it’s all about how you react to these kinds of news: if you choose to see it negatively, then it’ll only make you feel miserable. If you choose to see it as a challenge, then it wouldn’t be too hard to accept and embrace whatever it is that’s going to happen. I would like to think that all of these changes will be good for personal growth. The thought of going through it and succeeding will boost your self-confidence and our own precious egos.

So I stuck with those thoughts so I will be ready once the list of people comes out.

And there was the list. Twenty people going to the Cable team. They told us that they might get more people to be transferred — in time.

With that, I told the agents to relax– that this may take months before they get more people. Everyone was alright with it and all who remained in the team were all relieved that they’re staying.